I Am A Spiritual Teacher And I Have Anger Issues…

Modern Medicine Woman -- I Am A Spiritual Teacher And I Have Anger Issues...{This sharing was written in Oct 2014, there’s been an update…check it out, click here}

In my last email to you, I did say that I was going to have a different kind of sharing. Today I feel ready to share something personal (though it was my intention to share about something else! 🙂 )  in which I am still in the process of learning…..

I am not looking for guidance or advice, thanks. I do have people that I work with to deal with the situation…..this is a sharing, which I hope some other people might benefit from.

I have always been a happy person. I was a happy child, and I rarely stayed angry with anyone for long. In the past decade, I knew something very wrong was happening to me. But I just could not articulate it. On the surface, things looked ok, but I felt something was wrong. Slightly more than two years ago, I felt my spirit completely left me (not literally!). As though what was left was just a shell. I was no longer there. I could not understand what went wrong. Looking back, the process did not happen overnight, it was a slow, painful, confusing process.

So two years ago, I made a decision in my life which I hoped would free me from the darkness. And it did. I was happy and light after a long time of feeling a dark oppressive energy over me.

Then about eight months after that, I faced another crossroad in my life. Should I go back into the relationship which I left? I felt I needed to, to know that I had done my best in the relationship.

And then, I was confronted with the truth of it all. Something that I knew deep inside me, but never dare admit it. So I did research after research for weeks and then months, and realised that this relationship was like no ordinary relationship. My research showed me why many aspects of the relationship that were  just, shall we say, sad, weird and extremely draining. It was something that none of my friends could relate to, because it was unlike any other, but I found people of similar situations in support forums, which confirmed many things for me. I found comfort knowing that I had not gone crazy and that this was indeed real.

One of the aftermath of being in these sort of relationships with a partner having a certain condition (I will share more about what this is in due course, at the moment, shall we keep it as this?)  is anger. Anger that started as a very tiny seed of resentment which then grew and grew over the course of over a decade. As I have said, I have always been a happy person, so how did this tiny seed of resentment become ANGER?

Many aspects of the relationship did not allow room for evolution, constructive discussion, effective resolution, because by nature of the relationship it is filled with “unresolved disputes, unfinished interactions, and unresolved emotional upsets” (this line was taken from a compilation of impacts and deficits in the sort of relationship I was in. How do you deal with unrequited efforts to make yourself heard when wronged? When you are more often than not the object of misunderstandings? And when you feel you are always been socially mimicked by your partner? And when you have an obligation to resolve urgent crisis ALONE? On the surface, it was hard to tell that something was very wrong because the whole world saw the relationship quite differently from I did. Could I be the only person on this planet who is experiencing this person differently?

This was a big lesson for me, to trust my own intuition. To trust that my experience was real, despite other people not seeing or experiencing the person the same way, did not make me wrong in any way. Or crazy for that matter.

Kudos to my support team from the online forums! They relate and they know what I’m saying here, because they experience the exact same thing in their relationships.

So how am I dealing with the anger?

Besides working with a counselor, I work with other energy healers to assist me in freeing me from the trap. I speak with a few trusted friends, they may not comprehend what I am experiencing but they are there to support me.

While these are outside support I have now, the most important thing for me to ask was — how do I handle the build up of anger inside me? How do I completely let them go and not have the anger come back to bite me back? With this in mind, I still have to handle the fact that my partner has abdicated any and all responsibilities on his part, not on purpose though. This last point was the hardest I felt, which was one of the biggest contributing factors to the anger.

As a spiritual teacher, it is so easy to tell myself, oh have compassion, you cannot blame a blind person for not being able to see. Easier said than done, especially when you are the target of so much that is unresolved, so much that cannot be complete, so much that is unheard, unseen. Just so much accumulation of inability to make myself heard, not that I did not try. I even tried shouting and screaming, but the other person just does not have the ability to hear or see my pain, my resentment and my deep desire for closure for any issues, big or small.  And I have to resign myself to the fact that they will never be resolved, I will never be heard or seen in the way that I truly am. (Interestingly, many of you reading this who do not even know me, may feel compassion for my situation but the one person who should be relating, can never.)

As with any challenges in life, you learn something about yourself. You learn that you are really amazing, and you learn that the human capacity for growth is tremendous. You learn that you are always bigger than.

Looking back, back when I still didn’t know what was wrong even though I felt it. I dealt with the growing anger by directing the powerful energy towards many things, including personal development, drive, energy, growing my business, attending intensive workshops/courses, participating in causes I believed in, did a book project with many well known writers all around the world, ran the marathon many times! These activities gave the powerful anger energies an outlet, so that other aspects of my life were not so affected, I became the efficiency Queen, juggling many balls at one time and I kept my effectiveness of my practice as a teacher and healer constantly up. Perhaps at one point I was a little hard on my students as I expected the same level of efficiency from them! Of course all of these sound like wisdom now, but at that time I felt this growing energy inside me and I just could not sit still that I thought I was becoming ADHD!

After knowing what the core issues are, I am much more constructive in how I manage the anger now. I have a rant blog, which will be kept secret for now 😉 where I go to rant when the day is bad, when I am not heard, when I am being misunderstood yet again. It is a good outlet. And of course working with a counselor is highly effective for me.

I also work with healers and I like to reserve another post to share about the work done on me. So stay tuned.

Now the anger is worked on one bit at a time. It is as if I keep all of the anger in a shoe box, and I take this shoe box out to explore one aspect at a time, just as you would if you kept a scrap box. You don’t think about it, but you take it out when you want to to explore. This has made a big difference in my life. This process has helped me to make another major life decision, I can no longer be in this space of toxicity. A life change is coming up, and I am so looking forward to it! 🙂

I have to say that there are no regrets for jumping back in the relationship the second time, for it was during the second time that I found many answers. It is funny how I needed to get into it the second time in order to be free!

If you experience something similar in your life, write to me and I will send you some resources to assist you, I know only people who have experienced the same thing can understand what I am saying here, I do not even need to name the disorder.

I am really a happy person, but I have anger kept in a shoe box that I am releasing bit by bit…….

 

This entry was posted in Sharing.